Thursday, May 9, 2013

"When did you realize that you are really a girl?"


AWESOME question. Thanks for asking. Since you asked, I'll lead you on my journey of self-discovery, and finally self-acceptance.

In hindsight, I've known since about 3 or 4. I remember wanting my Mom not to cut my hair. (She did anyway… once I even asked if she could put it in pig-tails, but it was too short.) 

When growing up, doing "boy stuff" always felt wrong to me. I was always very sensitive and emotional. I wasn't into sports, hated fishing, and the like. Even more I *hated* boy clothes. I'd always wanted to wear dresses and such, and started to do so secretly at about age 7.

As a teen I seemed to automatically get picked on and called "fag" even though I wore the same clothes the other guys did, and acted fairly similarly. (Stress on the word "acted"). I really sucked in gym class, and being a violinist didn't help detract from their assessment of me. What was worse (at the time for me at least) is when puberty hit. I was decimated that my breasts were not growing, and I had secret sexual fantasies about guys (tho DEFINITELY no one I knew.)

Didn't get a crush on a guy in the flesh until I was 19, and school was 2 years behind me. My heart damned near exploded, and I was forced to come to grips with my sexuality. I didn't want those jock-assholes from high school to be right. (Turns out they weren't right, but read on…) I decided to come out as a "cross-dresser" to my then girlfriend and she actually helped doll me up and took me clothes shopping. (I was freaked out as hell the first time, let me tell you… but I passed!) Slowly I began to build a wardrobe I actually liked.

Kissed my first guy at 20, went down on my first at 22, and the feeling was so satisfying. I liked sex with women too, just not as much for some reason. As I grew more comfortable "going out in drag" to clothes shop, I secretly began to consider the probability that I was not a guy at all.

At 24 I moved to San Francisco to attend art school. Met a woman who made me completely comfortable at being who I truly am. We fell in love, and I had the first fulfilling sex with a woman I'd ever known. My first 4 weeks of school I wore jeans and a t-shirt (both from the women's section) but blended in. No one but professors talked to me, and I talked to no one but the professors (unless an assignment required it). 

My girlfriend spent the night in my compartment in the Tenderloin on a night when I had class at 9:00 the next day. (How I assumed I'd get sleep that night I have no idea…) At 5:00 in the blasted A.M. I gave up on sleep. My girlfriend was keeping me awake. Not just with sex, but stimulating conversation as well. And all the wine we drank, all the weed we smoked, and all the sex we had did nothing to to tire either of us out.

She sparked my self-confidence in a way no one had before. I decided to goth-out my makeup, spike up my hair, and wear my long black velvet skirt with a hot-pink t-shirt. On it I wrote "FUCK YOU. I'M NOT SORRY!" just before heading to class. (It was art school in San Francisco after all… why should I hide anything?) That was the first day anyone spoke to me just to be social, and quite a few people did. (Guess they liked my attitude.) I made making an odd fashion statement part of my daily routine.

I came into some money at 25. Girlie and I had broken up, (still were friends though) and I decided I wanted to change my gender. Exactly one thing stopped me: I was born my Father's Only Son. Continuing the family line was important to him. He was born in the depression-era, and had suffered two heart attacks by this time. I did NOT want to be the cause of his death by being telling him his "only son" was really his youngest daughter.

He died in 2005. I was married by then. Wife was supportive of my "cross-dressing" and encouraged it even with gifts of bras, going clothes shopping together, etc… For reasons I will not divulge, we divorced in 2008. In 2009, I met a friend who is also a transwoman. She had a government job, and I probed her for advice such as how to come out in the work place. (She transitioned on the job.)

In 2010, I lost my job. (Not because I came out, but for reasons I also do not wish to divulge.) Depression hit me. HARD! In February of 2011, I heard (for the very first time) "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga, and looked back on my life. I said to myself "Girl, what are you doing? Your reasons for denying your TRUE self are gone. What the fuck is stopping you now? NOTHING!"

I took my remaining male clothes, bagged them up and took them to Goodwill. Then I came out to EVERYONE starting with my Mom, who I thought would disown me. She didn't and has henceforth called me her daughter. I've been living happily as a woman ever since. ~

4 comments:

  1. Thank you so much.

    I sounds like a long and oft confusing journey. I am so glad that you had understanding and caring people in your life to support and encourage you.

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  2. I always love reading the journey. So many girls and such similar stories, but each one is unique. Thank you for sharing this.

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  3. Wow, amazing courage your journey must have taken, and is still taking. Good for you for paving the way for others. :)

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  4. Your journey has really hit hard in my heart. :o)

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